Oscillating.

Moving between two different states. The state of being in pain and being controlled by it, or at the least, sabotaged by it! And the state of being in pain, and rising above it. Yes, there are moments of no pain, and no awareness of pain or of no pain. But there is a lot of oscillating between them all! I would love to settle on just one, yet that seems just not possible, at the moment. There is always that little bit of hope though, which, to be honest, if I shine a giant light on, well then it shines even brighter. Yet I keep finding myself getting sucked in to the darkness of negativity. Little traps, that in hindsight I think ‘Dam It! Again!?’………

And yet here we are, still going. Still oscillating. I guess there are worse states to be in, like stagnant, or stuck. Or at the end of watch. But oscillating makes me think now of the energy between atoms, or the energy of atoms. In flux, changing. Oscillating. I guess that is not such a bad thing!

It always to seems to be when I am at the top of the cycle, that I am able to see around, see all that is going on. But is it a perspective, or an environment? It is both at different times, but I feel if I could bring the perspective – for example as I see it now, as a position of belief, and hope – into the environment ( such as work, where I have a job to do, but that job hurts, and my focus shifts to hurt, and pain, and suffering, and being a victim, ergo forcing me to make poorer choices in the care of others, and less capable of being the positive influence in somebody elses reality ( and therefore my own ) ), then maybe the whole experience would be less painful. I need to do more research on Pain psychology. Or perhaps I should call it Health Psychology. More NLP. More mindfulness. More meditation. But damn it, life is so busy!!!

Things that have helped me recently;

• Doing more Qi Kung
• Using my vibrating roller to stimulate circulation, especially to my legs as I do a LOT of driving at the moment, and increased blood flow is most excellent!!!
• Moving in more planes of movement in my Pilates, and continuing to explore my own physical body, learning the lessons of cause and effect.
• Being more connected to the people around me.
•  Taking time to relax and smell the roses, and observe them, and sometimes take pictures of them.
• Crystals! Always Crystals!!!
• Being honest with my inner self.
• Occasional Anti Inflams when really needed.

Sometimes it just feels too easy to give up. I mean, it would be really, so much easier! But then life would just be shit, and what is the point of that? Might as well be a wasp.

And yet here we are, still going, oscillating. Like the energy of atoms. Like star-dust.